You have to wonder why it is that we often feel so responsible for others’ behavior.
“People don’t change” a friend of mine told me years ago. I argued with her for months about this. But ultimately, for most people, I think she’s right.
And if someone does change, it’s because they have profound internal motivation to do so. Not because someone else wanted them to.
We know this. So the question begs, “Why do we still try to change others?”
Often it’s because on some subconscious level, we think we have to – sometimes we think it’s for our benefit, sometimes for theirs.
Sometimes we’re trying to control our environment – and every one in it for our own benefit. Or we feel that other people are incapable of the change we think they should embrace. Or maybe we want them to act in ways which would make us feel better about ourselves.
Either way we’re being delusional about who the other person is, and what our responsibilities are, and setting ourselves up for disappointment. Not to mention we’re being rather arrogant that we might live someone else’s life better than they would.
How many times have you seen a woman, or a man for that matter, fall in love and completely deny who their new partner really is? Only to discover a few years down the road that they’re completely incompatible. Or how about the manager who hires too quickly, without thoroughly vetting their candidates?
You can inspire, you can offer help, and those are good things to do, but we’re better off in the end by also practicing awareness – seeing people for who they are. People don’t change because they should, or because we want them to. They only change when they want to.
And this is *really* good news. Because first, Thank God it’s not our job to change someone else. That’s our ‘get out of jail free’ card. And second, that when someone wants to change – watch out. Nothing can hold them back.
Frustrating as it is that someone else might not behave the way we want them to, I still think this is a pretty brilliant design.